


i can feel the salt staining my hands (this darkness yawning around my heart)

by LavenderMandarin



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crisis on Infinite Earths Crossover Event (CW DC TV Universe), Crying, Earth-38 (CW DC TV Universe), Earth-Prime (DCU), Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Green Kryptonite, Hurt/Comfort, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Kara Danvers is Not Okay, Kara cries a lot, Kryptonite, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Like A Lot A Lot, enough to fill an ocean probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26997337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavenderMandarin/pseuds/LavenderMandarin
Summary: A series of events after Lena betrays Kara at the Fortress of Solitude.orKara is hurt, but she hides it all the time. Sometimes, it gets harder to hide.post 5x07
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 46
Kudos: 346





	i can feel the salt staining my hands (this darkness yawning around my heart)

**Author's Note:**

> I highly suggest listening to this song while reading: https://youtu.be/RwISVSxhjTc
> 
> It's sad and honestly fits so well with the fic (I listened to it while reading)

"Lena, please!"

Kara watches through the ice, watches this warped version of Lena walk through the swirling portal. She can't tell if the warping she sees is caused by the ice or what Lena's done, but it doesn't make a difference.

The pain she feels in her chest—in her _heart—_ overpowers the feeling of the kryptonite creeping along her veins even as it's slowly poisoning and suffocating her cells.

* * *

She tries again anyway.

As soon as she's released from her cage, she tracks Lena down and follows her to Mount Norquay, flying as fast as she possibly can.

It takes her less than a minute to get to the bunker.

"Lena! It's me, Kara! You don't have to do this!"

The ion cannons charge and fire, knocking her off course.

She sees the sharp rocks at the base of the mountain hurtling into view, growing larger and larger as she falls closer and closer, but she manages to stabilize herself before she hits them. 

She doesn't know what would happen if she had; her cells are still desperately trying to stabilize from the kryptonite attack and the energy expended on her sudden flight.

"Lena, please!" An echo of the words she'd said right before Lena had left.

"Please," she whispers. It's more for herself this time; she knows Lena won't be able to hear, but it's something she desperately needs. It's a plead for something she can't quite place yet, for something she doesn't quite understand yet.

She can only watch as the glow of the cannons turns green. For a moment, the sickly poison of a color is replaced in her mind's eye by the color of Lena's bright green eyes, shining in the sun, murky on a cloudy day, holding depth, sparkling with flecks of gold just beyond reach as she talks about her day with Kara.

The whirring of the motors snaps her out of her memories, and she watches on in horror as the cannons move into place, aiming for her.

She slowly raises her hands up where Lena can see them.

_I surrender._

The glow doesn't fade, and Kara knows the nausea she suddenly feels isn't caused by the kryptonite.

_I should've told you._

The glow gets brighter, illuminating the dark sky around Kara.

_I wish I could go back and fix things._

The motors stop whirring, and Kara knows the cannons are about to fire.

_I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner._

The cannons click into place, the sound echoing.

_I'm sorry._

Suddenly, the cannons power down as one, the glow fading and the cannons lowering, retreating back into their nooks, the panels closing over them.

Kara droops and wonders if the tears she cries will add anything to the ocean below her.

She doesn't think they will.

(After all, they're small, insignificant, and they won't make a difference in the grand scheme of things, just like her.)

* * *

The hologram cuts off halfway through.

Kara tries to apologize to Lena again, desperately clinging to Alex, begging her to let her try again, _please._

(She doesn't know what she'll do if she can't get through to Lena.)

Lena listens at first. Lena listens and Kara lets a little bit of hope grow in her chest, allows the spark of it to ease the numbness on her heart, allows it to melt away the icy pain.

Lena cuts her off halfway through and the spark has been doused with a bucket of ice-cold water. She's shivering, shuddering, and her heart is _cold._

_She's_ cold.

She's never felt cold before, at least, not on Earth she hasn't.

It's been a long time and she doesn't remember how it feels to be cold anymore, not since Krypton.

She never expected to be reminded of the feeling this way.

Kara falls into Alex's arms, and she doesn't think she's ever felt so hopeless, so empty.

She watches the tears fall, watches as they get further and further away until they're landing on the ground, _splat._

(She shakes away the thought that maybe everyone in her life has the same destiny as these teardrops.)

* * *

Lena's office is dark when she lands on the balcony.

It looks empty, abandoned.

Kara knows better. Knows because she hears the steady thump of Lena's heartbeat coming from the closed balcony door. Knows because even though she can't see through the new lead shutters Lena has installed, she can still hear her.

She makes sure to be silent when landing.

She curls up in a corner of the balcony, where Lena wouldn't be able to see her even if she came back out. 

(She knows there's no chance Lena will come out, not when there's a possibility of Kara being outside, too, waiting for her. Kara tries not to let it hurt too much.)

(It aches worse than kryptonite.)

* * *

Sitting on a ledge in the middle of nowhere, in a place where time doesn't pass and where no one exists except for her and 6 other paragons, Kara feels at home.

That's not quite right.

She doesn't feel at home, per se, more that she feels more normal than she has in the past week.

She's at the Vanishing Point. There's nothing to do except wait, and that's more than enough for her.

She spends her days staring out into the nothingness. It doesn't hurt like it might've, before, when the Phantom Zone had weighed on her every day. Now, it feels like something to come home to, kin to the emptiness she feels in her chest.

She hasn't had time to think since Lena had taken Myriad. It was barrage after barrage of trying and failing and having to save the world, too. 

Now she has time, time to think about all the possibilities, all the what-ifs, all the could'ves and might'ves. 

Now, she thinks about the mistakes she's made that have led her here.

Now, she sits here, as a Paragon of Hope, with an empty space where her heart should be, with tears where there should be smiles, with loss where there should be family, and with no hope.

* * *

Here they are at the beginning of time, facing off against the Anti-Monitor.

She looks at the Anti-Monitor and she sees the emptiness. She sees the darkness that had taken her family away from her, the loss that had broken her apart, the hurt that had taken Lena away from her, and she feels the anger build in the back of her eyes.

* * *

She wakes up in a world with memories that she shouldn't have, with memories of a fake life.

She wakes up on Earth Prime.

It's all wrong.

It's wrong in a way that's different from the wrong she'd felt when she first landed on Earth, different from the wrong when she'd first been poisoned by kryptonite, different from the wrong she had inflicted on Lena.

_Lena._

For a moment, she allows herself to entertain the idea of a world where Lena and her are still friends, where Lena is still fighting by her side, _with_ her instead of against her.

She dismisses the thought. 

She can't lie to Lena again.

Alex knocks on the door.

* * *

She watches Lex smirk at her from the stage, announcing Obsidian VR to the world, announcing his official partnership with Lena, his hand placed on Lena's shoulders possessively.

She forces her hackles down, shutters the mask over her face, claps and cheers at the appropriate times even though she'd rather have kryptonite injected into her.

Just as she thinks she's won this battle they're having, just as she watches Lex run out of ideas, she sees Lena move. It's a minuscule amount, but she moves enough that she's shifted over, closer to Lex.

Lex seems just as surprised by the move, but the shock morphs into unrestrained glee and he looks up at Kara.

The mask drops and shatters on the ground.

* * *

She yanks her Supersuit off over her head, scrabbling to get it off.

Kara snarls at nothing in particular and throws the covers over herself.

She feels the tears building but refuses to let them fall, relishes in the burn, the pain that she _deserves._

She remembers how Lex had waved her around like a pet, like a dog at his beck-and-call.

She remembers how Lena had stood aside.

Remembers how Lena hadn't cast her a single glance.

Her sheets become stained with salt.

* * *

The forecast promises cloudy skies and chances of showers.

Kara thinks the forecast is appropriate for her mood today.

She has to accompany Lex to another meet-and-greet with the city's children.

She can't even find it in her to feel excited about it.

She feels Lex place his hand on her shoulder, telling a little girl all about how she protects him all the time, and she's sure the grin she's wearing looks more like a grimace.

As soon as she's allowed to leave, she flies into the clouds, completely soaking her suit. The light shower soothes her frayed nerves, and she listens as an uncharacteristic quiet descends over the city. The people on the streets dwindle to a select few, the raindrops bouncing off their umbrellas, and she sees the buildings light up.

The sight is beautiful. The bright lights twinkling even among the bland gray of the cloudy sky and the downpour.

It reminds her of Lena, thriving even in the darkness.

She convinces herself that the wetness on her cheeks is just the rain.

(When she goes to brush it away, it's warm.)

* * *

She accidentally bumps into Lena one day.

She's stopping by Noonan's to get a few sticky buns for Nia and her. She's waiting by the counter for her order when her superhearing picks up on a distinct tenor.

Lena's voice.

She sees it all happen in slow motion. Lena walks into the store, the bells above the door jingling, still on her phone as she talks with an investor.

At the worst possible time, just when she thinks Lena has passed over her, the clerk calls her name.

"Kara? Your sticky buns are done!"

She winces, and if she weren't in a public cafe full of people, she would've probably flown out, but she can't, so she has to stand up straight and watch as Lena suddenly stops talking, as Lena's eyes begin to scan the room, as Lena sees her.

Their eyes meet from across the room and the world falls silent.

Lena's bright green eyes bore into hers. Kara can see the dark bags under her eyes, probably a result of working with Lex day and night.

The realization that Lena isn't working with her anymore, that Lena chose Lex, that Lena was never going to choose her, snaps her out of her reverie. She breaks the eye contact first, pulling her gaze away to grab the bag of sticky buns.

She makes sure the smile she aims at the store worker is kind. She's sure Lena can see the strain anyway.

She walks out of the store, Lena's eyes burning into her back.

She makes her way to the park, sits down on the nearest park bench, and feels the tears collect in her palms.

* * *

She starts to avoid Noonan's.

She eats lunch at CatCo, Nia doing the ordering.

Nia will come back with burgers or donuts or sticky buns and cast a sad look at Kara and Kara will brush it off, thank Nia for the food, and invite her to eat with her.

She's been doing that a lot. Brushing people off.

She brushes away the sympathetic glances from James, the pitying looks from Nia, the sad eyes from Alex. 

She doesn't go to DEO briefings anymore.

She doesn't think she can handle hearing Lex gloat about another one of her victories. Doesn't think she can handle being in a space where Lena used to be... before. 

She can't bring herself to mention it directly, can't bring herself to call it anything less than the heartbreak it was, so she doesn't call it anything.

She can't brush anyone off if she gets hurt and has to be taken care of at the DEO, so she fights hard, fights fierce, lets her heartbreak consume her and the people around her.

If she gets hurt, she doesn't tell anyone. Grits her teeth when Alex asks if she's okay with a little too much weight behind her words. Patches her wounds at home, wrapping them in bandages.

She ignores the one on her heart. 

(She doesn't think the bandages will work anyway.)

* * *

The closest she gets to Lena are as Supergirl.

They'll be standing at a photoshoot, the _three_ of them; Lex, Lena, Supergirl, the three heroes of the city.

Lex and Lena will stand side-by-side and Kara will stand behind both of them.

The one time she accidentally brushes against Lena, she feels the flinch more than she sees it.

She tries not to do it again, even if it means having to brush against Lex.

Lena doesn't deserve any more pain caused by her.

If Lena wants distance, she'll get distance. Kara owes her at least that much.

* * *

Game nights are a horrible affair.

It always feel empty without Lena, and no matter how much any of her friends try to patch over the whole, laughing and talking over the silence where Lena should be, it's never the same.

One time, she asks if anyone wants drinks, forgetting that Lena isn't there, and waits for the wine call, only to feel her heart drop when she remembers Lena isn't there anymore, Lena isn't her friend anymore.

She stops going to game nights.

* * *

Everywhere she goes hurts.

She'll be walking down the street and see a car or a sign that reminds her of something Lena once said and she'll smile. 

She'll spend the rest of the day wanting to cry; Lena isn't there anymore. There are no more jokes or laughing or lunches or smiles or hugs.

No more movie nights, no more sleepovers, no more joking about Lena's salads and Kara complaining about her kale.

Kara has never missed kale as much as she has now.

She's too nauseous to eat anything the rest of the day.

* * *

It isn't on purpose, she tells herself.

It wasn't supposed to be this way, she says to herself, hunched over the bathroom toilet.

I'm fine, she tells herself as she slumps against the wall of the bathroom stall.

Alex's voice over the comms calls her to attention and she springs up.

The movement makes her more nauseous and she has to hunch over again.

When she gets to the fight a minute late, her eyes red-rimmed, Alex doesn't notice.

She goes home that night, peels off her suit, and traces the new bruises carefully.

* * *

She starts eating again only a week later.

Alex yells at her over the comms to punch harder, fly faster, but she's so _tired._

She almost loses the fight.

She eats a whole plate of potstickers after the battle.

She wakes up the next morning and the bruises are gone.

She eats less, but she eats enough to get through her fights, to be strong enough not to lose.

She can't lose any more than she already has.

* * *

She's fighting a losing battle.

She knows this.

So does Alex and J'onn and Nia and M'gann and... and that's it.

They all know this.

They keep trying anyway. She keeps trying anyway.

If she doesn't try, doesn't keep working to stop Lex, doesn't keep fighting, then what was the point? If she takes away her suit, then why did she lose Lena?

In the dark, her suit looks black and she thinks about the stains it has left on her life, sees the blood she's spilled, the tears she's caused coloring the suit.

The blood-red of the cape, the stained blue of the ocean of tears, the crest that doesn't carry anything but pain now.

She can see the pain spilling over into every nook and cranny of her apartment, the stories that each and every inch of floor carries, all stained black with pain and rage.

She falls asleep on the roof.

* * *

She doesn't sleep much.

She spends her nights listening to the quiet bustle of the city or staring up.

Most nights she tries to find Krypton. Or, at least what's left of it.

Rao is easy to find, even with how far away she is.

Once she finds Rao, it's just a matter of moving her gaze three steps to the left. 

She counts over the bright points in the sky.

_1, 2, 3,_ and then the empty space, glowing faintly with the luster of space dust and the ruins of a dead star.

She closes her eyes and sees the red. It's a different red than the red they have on Earth. It's warmer, more like a soft blanket and less like a piercing glare. She remembers lullabies from a dead language, smiles from a dead people, knowledge from a dead culture, love from a dead family.

She looks down at the Atlovian vodka in her hands, the red that reminds her so much of home.

When she takes another sip, it's saltier than it was before.

* * *

Mxy comes by, asking to be redeemed. 

Kara is initially ready to push him away. She doesn't need anything else.

But, _then_ Mxy brings up _Lena_ and she can't think about anything else.

Alex's warnings go in one ear and out the other.

* * *

Kara stares in horror as Reign gears up for another attack.

But, then, suddenly, Lena comes through in a transmatter portal and stops her and all Kara can feel is relief. Lena listened to her, found a way, and when Lena smiles at her, Kara can feel her heart coming back, coming together.

But then the smile drops just like Lena and Kara almost doesn't catch her in time.

Lena dies there in her arms, the smell of burning flesh around her as Mon-El gets heat-visioned next.

Mxy snaps her out.

* * *

Kara finally tells Lena at the right time.

Lena is astounded and amazed, and there is awe, affection, adoration, _love_ in her eyes. It all piles and piles and Kara finally feels hopeful for the first time in a year.

Kara watches on as Lena sits tall in court, her _wife_ sitting there and getting ready to defend Kara.

"I plead the Fifth."

The warmth in Kara's chest spreads and spreads and she's never felt more powerful. 

* * *

Lena gets kidnapped.

Lena gets kidnapped by Ben Lockwood who forces Kara to reveal her identity to the world.

The DEO can't find Lena anywhere.

Kara's fists tighten around the metal scaffolding on the meeting table and she storms out.

She hovers above the city, listening and listening and _listening_ for Lena's heartbeat, for Lena's voice, anything.

Silence.

There's nothing else she can do. If she doesn't announce her identity soon, she'll lose Lena again. That can't happen. Not again.

Lena is her _wife_ and Kara would sooner rip the world in half than lose her again.

"My name is Kara Danvers. Some of you may know me as a reporter from CatCo media. My real name is Kara Zor-El and I am Supergirl."

Lockwood sends the coordinates and she gets there just in time, holding Lena carefully in her arms as the weight of her decision sets in.

"I'm sorry," Lena is sobbing, her arms looped tightly around Kara's neck.

"It's okay. We'll be okay."

* * *

It's not okay.

Mxy takes pity on her and shows her news clipping and reports instead of the actual events. It doesn't make it any easier to take.

"...targeted one by one...no survivors..."

Kara feels the emptiness swallow her heart again, the dark abyss yawning open and swallowing everything she thought she could have.

"Maybe it would be better if Lena never met me."

* * *

The red building glows even in the dark sky, and Kara aims for it.

"Lena?"

There's no answer. The red light flickers ominously.

"It's Supergirl."

Still nothing. Kara tries again.

"It's Kara."

"Who's Kara?"

She turns the corner and sees Lena, in a dark coat, sitting at one of the monitors.

"Just a friend."

The darkness threatens to swallow her whole.

* * *

The kryptonite is pure agony.

Although, nothing hurts as much as Lena staring at her, full of hate, revulsion, and desperate sadness.

Kara can feel her vocal cords constricting, her screams cutting off as her body fails her, as her voice, her lungs, her eyes all fail her. She can't breathe anymore, there isn't any more air for her to breathe. The dark spots growing on her vision make her wonder if this time it's going to be permanent, if maybe this time the darkness will claim her for good.

Right before her vision blacks out, she sees herself dissolve into flecks of blue magic, and the world rights itself again.

After Mxy leaves, she spends the night shivering on the rooftop, unable to shake the memory of Lena killing her and _enjoying_ it.

She feels even colder than when she was at the fortress.

She can't see the stars.

* * *

She knows Alex can tell it went wrong, knows Alex can see it in the fake smiles she plasters on every morning, knows Alex can see it in the way she seems a little droopier than normal, knows Alex can see it in the way she doesn't even move away from Lex.

She doesn't bother explaining.

It seems everyone else can tell, too. Even Lex looks almost worried when Kara doesn't react to his taunts, his jabs. Alex wrings her hands all day and Kara blocks her calls. She skips lunch so she doesn't have to talk to Nia. J'onn catches her alone for a moment on the DEO balcony, but before he can open his mouth, Kara is flying away.

The only person who doesn't seem to see it is Lena.

* * *

The battles get harder to fight. The days get harder to go through. Both her jobs get harder to work at. Everything becomes that much _harder_ and Kara is just so _tired._

She just wants Lena to come back to her.

It doesn't seem like Lena ever wants to see her again, though.

Kara doesn't know what to do anymore.

The darkness in her chest takes a little bit more away from her.

* * *

Kara loses a fight.

It's to an alien she's fought a hundred times before, but she loses this time.

The towering gray-skinned alien snarls at her, fists hurtling forward.

She's reminded of the way the rocks had hurtled towards her as she fell.

The moment of hesitation, the memory of Lena leaving her, is all it takes.

The punch lands and Kara flies into the side of a building.

The concrete that piles on top of her still isn't as heavy as the grief she's holding.

* * *

She dreams of Lena.

They start out as dreams, visions she wants of the future.

She sees Lena, dancing around _their_ kitchen, the golden band flashing around her wrist, the matching ring glinting on her finger. She sees Lena smiling at her, all teeth and happiness.

Lena warps and morphs.

She morphs into Metallo Lena, her white teeth gleaming in the darkness, illuminated by the green glow of kryptonite.

Her smile is twisted, but still full of glee, happy that she's killing Kara.

Kara wakes up screaming.

* * *

The nightmares come back every time she falls asleep.

It always starts happy. Always her and Lena together, always Lena smiling that changes it.

_She_ comes back--Metallo Lena--and Kara always wakes up screaming herself hoarse.

If Nia notices the bags under her eyes when she comes to work, she doesn't mention it.

The bags get darker as the weeks go on.

Darkness akin to the darkness in her chest, she thinks.

She wonders if one day she'll look down and her fingers will be stained black, if her eyes will be completely black one day, if she'll look down at her suit and it will be black, too, consumed by the darkness consuming her.

She tries not to think about the suit she had worn when she was poisoned by Red K.

* * *

Lena notices.

Kara comes to a photoshoot, dark bags just barely concealed under her eyes, her feet trailing, her skin pale, her head bowed.

Lena notices.

She stands next to Lex, puts her hand on his shoulder at his orders without complaint, stands taller when he instructs her, plasters on the brightest, fakest smile she can when the cameraman calls for her to smile.

Lena notices.

She leaves the photoshoot early, citing an emergency. Lex lets her leave. There's no news about Supergirl's new save or fight.

Lena notices.

* * *

Kara starts losing more fights.

She loses at least one every month, always beaten and bruised beyond repair.

Alex tries to talk to her. So does everyone else. Even Lex takes her into his office to discuss her behavior. She doesn't remember any of it, though.

She reasons that they're fighting a losing battle anyway, reasons that it doesn't matter anyway.

She remembers Lena telling her how important the truth is, how Kara had to keep fighting for what she believed in.

But, Lena doesn't want anything to do with Kara now, so she brushes it away.

It'll be okay, she tells herself.

I'll be fine, she says to everyone else.

* * *

The sunlamps don't work that well anymore.

She still has fading bruises from fights over a week ago.

She hides them with makeup, brushes Alex's concerns away, spends more time in the sun.

The bruises are still there at the end of the day.

She thinks it's been a few weeks since she's eaten properly.

She pulls her shirt back down and goes back to her desk, asks Nia to get her a single sticky bun, ignores the strange glance she receives.

She only eats half of it.

* * *

Kara rubs her chest a lot.

Any time she sees Lena, remembers her, sees something that reminds her of Lena, hears about her, she starts rubbing, as if it can somehow ease the deep ache that settles in her each time.

(It doesn't.)

* * *

Lena comes back to her on a Thursday evening.

She hears the quiet knocks against her door, hears the familiarity of them, and she pulls it open carefully.

She sees Lena and her entire body shuts down. She stands there, staring, her face completely blank.

Lena wrings her hands nervously, staring up at Kara with hesitation.

Lena walks past her, brushes against her shoulder as she comes into the apartment.

The touch, more than anything she's gotten from Lena in over a year, is enough. 

She hears the dull thud of her knees on the floor, feels the way Lena rushes over, kneeling beside her.

"Are you okay?"

The trails of salt burn down her cheeks.

"Kara?"

She must've filled an ocean by now with her tears.

"It's okay. It's just me."

The cold fades a little bit. The darkness eases its grip on her heart.

"Are you okay?"

The match sparks, waiting for her to let herself hope again, waiting for her next move.

"Yeah."

The match flares up and she can feel the flame dancing on the tip, waiting for her to answer before it burns out.

"I'm okay."

The icy pain melts away.

"I'm sorry," she hears.

The darkness gives way to light.

"I'm sorry, too."

She finally lets herself hope.

Lena holds her softly and lets her cry, and it's been so long since she hasn't stained herself with salt.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked this one! Honestly, this is one of the fics I'm really proud of.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!! Comments and kudos are appreciated!!! <333
> 
> also i'm on tumblr @catargott


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